Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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