He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
