i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
