i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
