Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
