I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize