PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
