hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Even my vagina gasped.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
