You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
