6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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