I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I want a musical about memes.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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