dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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