If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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