Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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