she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
