I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
