How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
