Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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