News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
