Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
