I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
