Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
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