I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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