I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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