She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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