I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
