Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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