The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
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