I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
