Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
