I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
