i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
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