Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
