I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
you would pick up someone in the library
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
