Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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