her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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