best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
