My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
