Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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