god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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