what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
