So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
