My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
