john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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