I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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