I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i came on her dog
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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