there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
