I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Damn victory sex feels great
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
