ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
