sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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