So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
