I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
