It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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