Got a toothbrush?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Congratulations! We have a period
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