Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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