She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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