It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
