I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
