Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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