i wish my penis had a tongue
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I want to fling myself into the sun
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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