How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
