I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
